An Attempt at Archaeology, 1960-2008

After the recent finding about Grandpa Uno's astronomical feats during the 1960s, the staff has decided to probe even deeper into this period of Grandpa's life.

Shortly after his admission into the space program in the USSR, Grandpa spent a few years scouring the globe for archaeological finds. He was such fanatic for history, for the roots of human civilization. Grandpa had seen some of the greatest moments in history, and he believed that what he couldn't witness first-hand, he wanted to be a part of however he could.

While traveling in Central and South America, a determined Grandpa uncovered a previously unknown early Mayan civilization, dated as far back as 2200B.C. Through the discovery of the city buried well beneath the surface of Colombian soils, Grandpa was able to determine that not only were the earliest Mesoamericans wonderfully spiritual and pioneers of astronomy, even that they were remarkable architects, these earliest Mayans were also a fantastic culinary civilization.

Basic understanding of what sorts of foods may have been prepared during early civilizations is inferred through textual documentation, and occasionally through the examination of pottery and cooking tools. But from the details that Grandpa was able to manipulate, he learned how to make a tomato sauce that is both chunky and smooth at the same time, mastering his love of deep dish pizza (later to be used in his famous Uno's restaurants).

After the famed discovery, critics thought Grandpa would either retire from his archaeological hobbies. He had the money, he had the notoriety, and he had a space program to get back to in the USSR. He took some time off, and between 1973 and 2008, Grandpa discovered three of the missing links in human evolution, including the most recent "Ida" fossil, which projects humans as possible descendants of lemur-like creatures. It makes sense.

Some Grandpa Uno Statistics

Running some of the numbers, we thought we could bring you something new and interesting about Grandpa Uno. The following is a list of numerical representations of the some of Grandpa Uno's perhaps more-interesting feats.

Since birth, Grandpa Uno was reared 42 children with 51 different mothers.

Grandpa Uno has 2,722 grandchildren, more than half of them are unrelated by blood. Historical staff members Andrew and Jeff are unrelated grandchildren of Grandpa Uno's.

Grandpa Uno left 6 different women at the altar. All 6 still love him.

He has visited 114 different countries, and 49 US States. He never thought North Dakota should count.

When Grandpa was a boy of 7, he started his first company. When he was 9, he closed it, having built 13 million-dollar businesses in the time between. The first one was a lemonade stand, which he closed, but held onto the property deeds. Eventually, he would sell those deeds to a company that would call itself "Del's" and become a benchmark in the frozen lemonade industry.

He lost his virginity at 11 and found it at 15.

Grandpa is an only child.

Grandpa Uno hold 10 doctorates from 10 different institutions. 12 of those are honorary. He refused two of them, but his name is still listed as having received in university records offices. He didn't believe Duke or USC to be accredited institutions.

He also holds the following degrees: MBA, JD, MS, and a Master of Arts and Letters.

Grandpa has been a guest star on 91 television shows, wrote pilot episodes for 4, produced 14 Broadway shows, and has appeared in 412 movies, either as an actor, or because of his historical impact on the story being told.

Grandpa Uno's chest hair is considered currency in 3 African countries.

There are 175 Pizzeria Uno locations in 28 states, Puerto Rico, South Korea, United Arab Emirates, Honduras, Kuwait and Saudi Arabia. Each was personally opened by Grandpa Uno.

Snowmageddon, 2010

I know that it's hard to believe, but over the past week, the city of Baltimore has gotten approximately five feet of snow! In light of this, we the staff of A Man Named Uno have spent a great deal of time researching Grandpa Uno's past for stories, even legends related to Grandpa Uno's experience with vast amounts of snow, blizzards, etc.

Surprisingly we found nothing.

Despite the fact that Grandpa Uno - then Lt. Uno - was one of the five members of Captain Scott's 1912 expedition to the South Pole (three - as it was then believed - remaining members were found huddled together in a tent, frozen for eight months before uncovered by a search party. It is believed they were on their way to home base from the Pole. The other two members were never found. Truth? Grandpa Uno and a sherpa named Rico actually made it to the Pole, on foot, well after the horses had died of extreme weather conditions. Capt. Scott believed in the English "tradition" of "toughing it out" and deprecated the Norwegian use of dogsleds to get to the Pole. Uno returned safely, and his trip inspired a large number of seafood items to be later used on Pizzeria Uno's menu.), we found nothing.

Despite the fact that Grandpa Uno was the man who, in the early 1970s, developed mogul skiing as a legitimized competitive sport (the word "mogul" likely coming from his time in Germany, where the Viennese dialect for "small hill" is mogl. Grandpa spent a great deal of time in Germany and other parts of Europe after WWII pushing the expansion of GU's Vermont Cheddar Cheese, which already had a strong presence on the continent. Uno liked the idea of freestyle skiing without the need for ramps, jumps, etc., and pushed for grooves, or troughs, to be dug into the snow at regular intervals on the downhill, so that skiers would use the up and down motions as well as increased trajectory of decline and rapid knee movement to perform small but difficult tricks. Grandpa ideated mogul skiing and pushed for its legitimacy for the sake of the advertising options. With the growth of a new sport, Grandpa knew that he could essentially put his logos on anything he wanted...and he did. Later, the sport would become somewhat obscure and draw less financial benefits for Uno, and he would depart from advertising.) we could not find anything.

Despite the fact that Grandpa Uno won thirteen consecutive ice fishing competitions in Alaska during the mid-80s, we could not find anything.

So, with humble remorse, the staff of A Man Named Uno would like to apologize for our inability to bring you a historical happening which ties Grandpa Uno to winter, snow, or anything else of the sort. Should anything of this nature come to your attention, please do alert us here, so that we may continue to look into the matter.

Our humblest of apologies,

The Staff

Pizza Eating Contest, 1998

Jeff Dujardin elaborates:

Remember the time Grandpa Uno took us all onto the roof of Uno's Pizzeria (the one in Providence) and he set up his telescope - which was so old it had a family of mice living inside of it - and we looked out into the stars and at the moon? When you (Andrew) were looking at the moon," he turned from us and his eyes started tearing up. (Later you told me you weren't looking at the moon at all, but rather some "attractive teenage girls" at WaterPlace Park - you were 13 at the time).

Anyway, recent posting about Grandpa's expedition as a cosmonaut finally identified the reason he may have been crying.

Then Grandpa told Ferguson that the moon was made of cheese (he always thought Ferg was kind of gullible) and so Ferguson took that moment to cut the cheese and we all started laughing ferociously. Then Phil made the comment about the sun being made of Gas, and so Grandpa Uno let one rip. Then we all almost died of laughter.

We went downstairs and Grandpa opened the Uno's and held a city-wide pizza eating contest? He gave us two hours to eat as many pies as we could. The winner was to receive a "mystery prize." (He told us later he just didn't have anything he really wanted to give away). Ferguson was in the lead with 8 pies (Ferg wasn't big but he could eat). I was up to 5 pies and you (Andrew) were up to three when my brother Phil (who had run off to see these so called "attractive teenagers" you had spotted in the telescope) arrived with twenty minutes left (dressed in sweatpants) and devoured fifteen and a half pizzas!! Grandpa was ecstatic, and told Phil he could make out with his niece from his first marriage, Jenny. Phil declined because he was in a relationship. Ferguson hoped to take the prize in his place (it would have been his first kiss) but Grandpa declined and gave him a chess set instead. Ferguson was devastated, and never really got over it.

RIP Ferguson.

The Space Race, 1960s

So, have you been wondering where Grandpa Uno was during the 1960s?? We historians of the life and times of Grandpa Uno have been wondering the same thing. It was recently brought to our attention that during the 1960s, Uno was working overseas (you may recall our recollection of Uno's time in Eurasia, 1972, which inevitably led to this discovery).

There has been much debate as to what Grandpa was doing during this time, but it is now with great certainty that we point you to a photo obtained at great risk to our dear friend Ferguson in 2004. Nearly dying in the endeavor, Ferguson breached deep into the recesses of the former Soviet Union in order to gain access to archival records in the basement of the Kremlin. In these archives, Ferguson came upon the photo depicted below. Grandpa Uno has been highlighted in the image for your benefit.

What is revealed is the 1960 class of Cosmonauts from the USSR. These were the elite pilots and scientists (some shown with family) of the time in the Soviet Union. In 1961, John F. Kennedy announced to the United States that by the end of the decade, America would land the first man on the moon. This, obviously, frustrated the slow-moving Soviet squad of cosmonauts, who began feverishly working toward achieving the goal first.

Few know this, and we did not until very recently, but in 1969, only days before Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong, and some other guy launched the Apollo 11 en route to the moon, Grandpa Uno, Dmitri Zaikin (2nd from left, front row), and Anatolly Kartashov (the hispanic-looking fellow to the far right in the back row) set flight with the same objective.

Uno's vessel, under the name of the Snegirov, inched closer and closer to the moon, with Apollo 11 shortly behind. At times, pilot Kartashov took breaks, as the Soviet spaceship was not designed with autopilot (as opposed to the Apollo vessels, the Soviets utilized a unique rowing-style method of propulsion, kind of like that famous scene in "Ben Hur"). This caused the Apollo crew to gain ground on the Soviets, and Uno would need to captain the crew into spurts of remarkable speed.

Sure enough, though the mission was entirely top-secret, and still undisclosed publicly, Snegirov reached the moon first. Aldrin, Armstrong and the other guy turned tail back to earth and filmed (in association with MTV Productions) the faked version with an American flag, rather than the soviet hammer and sickle.

We thank Ferguson for having found this photograph, and recognize his great sacrifice. He spent three months being tortured by Russian authorities before he gave his source.

RIP Ferguson.

UNSUBSTANTIATED RUMOR: Uno Co-Authors with Simpson, 2008

Until his 2008 death, Grandpa Uno was the owner of the esteemed painting by Arnold Friberg, "OJ Breaks for Daylight" which was commissioned by Chevrolet for the University of Southern California in 1968.

While the ownership of the painting is not in question, nor being denied by this chronicling of Grandpa Uno's famed life and lifestyle, we would like to clarify that we are not sure of the reasoning behind his purchase of the painting in May of 1997, only months after the death of Nicole Simpson, OJ's wife.

The trial was monumental, and those who were alive for it remember it fondly. Johnny Cochran's "If the glove don't fit..."

After OJ was acquitted, he lost a civil trial brought forth by Nicole's family, and was left nearly broke. His troubled life, which was made more difficult by a failing acting career led him to attempt re-exposure through the publishing of a book entitled "If I Did It: Confessions of the Killer".

Many have speculated that Grandpa Uno was not only a co-author, but in fact a ghost writer, to this instant best-seller (on some obscurely developed bookselling lists).

THIS RUMOR IS NOT SUBSTANTIATED BY ANY REAL EVIDENCE. PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT WHATEVER YOU HEAR IS PURE RUMOR.

But, as the royalties of the book go to Uno's family, we urge you to buy a copy HERE.