Ferguson's Science Fair: 1994

Ferguson was a good kid. Smart kid, really. While he was often belittled, mocked, the butt of many childhood jokes, Ferguson pushed himself to the limits of elementary academia. In second grade, Ferguson won his CYO Spelling Bee, placing third at regionals. As a fourth grader, he traveled to Paris to compete in a math competition (he placed ninth of forty finalists).

Despite his many great scholastic accomplishments, nothing stands comparable to the project that Grandpa Uno assisted with in 1994. It was a science fair: sixth grade. While Ferguson longed to develop a safer method of harnessing nuclear energy, Grandpa Uno thrusted him into the spotlight by concocting a delicious new pesto sauce for his famous four-cheese deep dish pizza at Uno's.

The judges were not impressed, thinking that Ferguson should have entered into a cooking competition rather than a science fair. He was disqualified.

(Secretly, Ferguson had double-entered the competition, submitting his designs for a new nuclear reactor under a different name, which placed first in the fair.)

Grandpa Uno designed a makeshift plaque for Ferguson, which read: "First Place - Grandpa Uno's Pesto Recipe Contest, 1994." We all pretended to be proud of him. There was a picture of Grandpa Uno on it, molded in bronze. Ferguson's name was spelled incorrectly. The plaque collected dust until it was found two years ago in an attic where he was stashing a number of relics of his time with Grandpa Uno.



R.I.P. Ferguson.

Ferguson's nuclear vessel:

Grandpa Uno's Vermont Cheddar Cheese

In 1939, Grandpa Uno - in one of his many business ventures - opened Grandpa Uno's Vermont Cheddar Cheese Company in Marshfield, Vermont. The company grew rapidly, and in 1942, Grandpa Uno's became the sole provider of cheddar cheeses to the United States Armed forces for the remainder of World War II.

During the War of 1812, Uncle Sam's was the sole provider of pork products to the Army, and US was labeled on ever crate shipped to the soldiers. Quickly, the patriotic correllation between US and Uncle Sam's led to Uncle Sam being a symbol of pride and unity. Similarly, in 1942, Grandpa Uno's was to be marked on each crate shipped overseas (over 2,000 pounds shipped weekly) by "G.U." symbolizing "Grandpa Uno's." Unfortunately, a clerical error early in the process led to "G.I." Apparently, on the typewriter upon which the documents were drawn up, the I and U were too close together.

One thing led to another, and G.I. was misinterpreted to meaning "General Issue." Grandpa Uno was non-chalant about it, as the delivery of his high-quality cheese was the priority. However, to this day, G.I. is marked on every shipment sent to the United States Armed Forces; and few know that it was supposed to be Grandpa Uno's.

Grandpa Uno's is slated to receive nearly $3 million in royalties for the upcoming G.I. Joe film.

Venus de Milo

Little know this, and it has only recently come to my attention, but the Venus de Milo had arms until 1953, when Grandpa Uno opened the Bowie, MD Pizzeria Uno location. As part of the opening, Grandpa arranged for the famous statue to be holding a large deep dish pizza. The pizza was his finest creation yet, and when he rested it into Venus de Milo's hands, the arms ripped off at the shoulders under its massive weight.

After the arms were "detached" from the Venus de Milo, Grandpa sent the statue back to The Louvre, where it is now on display.