An Attempt at Archaeology, 1960-2008

After the recent finding about Grandpa Uno's astronomical feats during the 1960s, the staff has decided to probe even deeper into this period of Grandpa's life.

Shortly after his admission into the space program in the USSR, Grandpa spent a few years scouring the globe for archaeological finds. He was such fanatic for history, for the roots of human civilization. Grandpa had seen some of the greatest moments in history, and he believed that what he couldn't witness first-hand, he wanted to be a part of however he could.

While traveling in Central and South America, a determined Grandpa uncovered a previously unknown early Mayan civilization, dated as far back as 2200B.C. Through the discovery of the city buried well beneath the surface of Colombian soils, Grandpa was able to determine that not only were the earliest Mesoamericans wonderfully spiritual and pioneers of astronomy, even that they were remarkable architects, these earliest Mayans were also a fantastic culinary civilization.

Basic understanding of what sorts of foods may have been prepared during early civilizations is inferred through textual documentation, and occasionally through the examination of pottery and cooking tools. But from the details that Grandpa was able to manipulate, he learned how to make a tomato sauce that is both chunky and smooth at the same time, mastering his love of deep dish pizza (later to be used in his famous Uno's restaurants).

After the famed discovery, critics thought Grandpa would either retire from his archaeological hobbies. He had the money, he had the notoriety, and he had a space program to get back to in the USSR. He took some time off, and between 1973 and 2008, Grandpa discovered three of the missing links in human evolution, including the most recent "Ida" fossil, which projects humans as possible descendants of lemur-like creatures. It makes sense.

Some Grandpa Uno Statistics

Running some of the numbers, we thought we could bring you something new and interesting about Grandpa Uno. The following is a list of numerical representations of the some of Grandpa Uno's perhaps more-interesting feats.

Since birth, Grandpa Uno was reared 42 children with 51 different mothers.

Grandpa Uno has 2,722 grandchildren, more than half of them are unrelated by blood. Historical staff members Andrew and Jeff are unrelated grandchildren of Grandpa Uno's.

Grandpa Uno left 6 different women at the altar. All 6 still love him.

He has visited 114 different countries, and 49 US States. He never thought North Dakota should count.

When Grandpa was a boy of 7, he started his first company. When he was 9, he closed it, having built 13 million-dollar businesses in the time between. The first one was a lemonade stand, which he closed, but held onto the property deeds. Eventually, he would sell those deeds to a company that would call itself "Del's" and become a benchmark in the frozen lemonade industry.

He lost his virginity at 11 and found it at 15.

Grandpa is an only child.

Grandpa Uno hold 10 doctorates from 10 different institutions. 12 of those are honorary. He refused two of them, but his name is still listed as having received in university records offices. He didn't believe Duke or USC to be accredited institutions.

He also holds the following degrees: MBA, JD, MS, and a Master of Arts and Letters.

Grandpa has been a guest star on 91 television shows, wrote pilot episodes for 4, produced 14 Broadway shows, and has appeared in 412 movies, either as an actor, or because of his historical impact on the story being told.

Grandpa Uno's chest hair is considered currency in 3 African countries.

There are 175 Pizzeria Uno locations in 28 states, Puerto Rico, South Korea, United Arab Emirates, Honduras, Kuwait and Saudi Arabia. Each was personally opened by Grandpa Uno.

Snowmageddon, 2010

I know that it's hard to believe, but over the past week, the city of Baltimore has gotten approximately five feet of snow! In light of this, we the staff of A Man Named Uno have spent a great deal of time researching Grandpa Uno's past for stories, even legends related to Grandpa Uno's experience with vast amounts of snow, blizzards, etc.

Surprisingly we found nothing.

Despite the fact that Grandpa Uno - then Lt. Uno - was one of the five members of Captain Scott's 1912 expedition to the South Pole (three - as it was then believed - remaining members were found huddled together in a tent, frozen for eight months before uncovered by a search party. It is believed they were on their way to home base from the Pole. The other two members were never found. Truth? Grandpa Uno and a sherpa named Rico actually made it to the Pole, on foot, well after the horses had died of extreme weather conditions. Capt. Scott believed in the English "tradition" of "toughing it out" and deprecated the Norwegian use of dogsleds to get to the Pole. Uno returned safely, and his trip inspired a large number of seafood items to be later used on Pizzeria Uno's menu.), we found nothing.

Despite the fact that Grandpa Uno was the man who, in the early 1970s, developed mogul skiing as a legitimized competitive sport (the word "mogul" likely coming from his time in Germany, where the Viennese dialect for "small hill" is mogl. Grandpa spent a great deal of time in Germany and other parts of Europe after WWII pushing the expansion of GU's Vermont Cheddar Cheese, which already had a strong presence on the continent. Uno liked the idea of freestyle skiing without the need for ramps, jumps, etc., and pushed for grooves, or troughs, to be dug into the snow at regular intervals on the downhill, so that skiers would use the up and down motions as well as increased trajectory of decline and rapid knee movement to perform small but difficult tricks. Grandpa ideated mogul skiing and pushed for its legitimacy for the sake of the advertising options. With the growth of a new sport, Grandpa knew that he could essentially put his logos on anything he wanted...and he did. Later, the sport would become somewhat obscure and draw less financial benefits for Uno, and he would depart from advertising.) we could not find anything.

Despite the fact that Grandpa Uno won thirteen consecutive ice fishing competitions in Alaska during the mid-80s, we could not find anything.

So, with humble remorse, the staff of A Man Named Uno would like to apologize for our inability to bring you a historical happening which ties Grandpa Uno to winter, snow, or anything else of the sort. Should anything of this nature come to your attention, please do alert us here, so that we may continue to look into the matter.

Our humblest of apologies,

The Staff

Pizza Eating Contest, 1998

Jeff Dujardin elaborates:

Remember the time Grandpa Uno took us all onto the roof of Uno's Pizzeria (the one in Providence) and he set up his telescope - which was so old it had a family of mice living inside of it - and we looked out into the stars and at the moon? When you (Andrew) were looking at the moon," he turned from us and his eyes started tearing up. (Later you told me you weren't looking at the moon at all, but rather some "attractive teenage girls" at WaterPlace Park - you were 13 at the time).

Anyway, recent posting about Grandpa's expedition as a cosmonaut finally identified the reason he may have been crying.

Then Grandpa told Ferguson that the moon was made of cheese (he always thought Ferg was kind of gullible) and so Ferguson took that moment to cut the cheese and we all started laughing ferociously. Then Phil made the comment about the sun being made of Gas, and so Grandpa Uno let one rip. Then we all almost died of laughter.

We went downstairs and Grandpa opened the Uno's and held a city-wide pizza eating contest? He gave us two hours to eat as many pies as we could. The winner was to receive a "mystery prize." (He told us later he just didn't have anything he really wanted to give away). Ferguson was in the lead with 8 pies (Ferg wasn't big but he could eat). I was up to 5 pies and you (Andrew) were up to three when my brother Phil (who had run off to see these so called "attractive teenagers" you had spotted in the telescope) arrived with twenty minutes left (dressed in sweatpants) and devoured fifteen and a half pizzas!! Grandpa was ecstatic, and told Phil he could make out with his niece from his first marriage, Jenny. Phil declined because he was in a relationship. Ferguson hoped to take the prize in his place (it would have been his first kiss) but Grandpa declined and gave him a chess set instead. Ferguson was devastated, and never really got over it.

RIP Ferguson.

The Space Race, 1960s

So, have you been wondering where Grandpa Uno was during the 1960s?? We historians of the life and times of Grandpa Uno have been wondering the same thing. It was recently brought to our attention that during the 1960s, Uno was working overseas (you may recall our recollection of Uno's time in Eurasia, 1972, which inevitably led to this discovery).

There has been much debate as to what Grandpa was doing during this time, but it is now with great certainty that we point you to a photo obtained at great risk to our dear friend Ferguson in 2004. Nearly dying in the endeavor, Ferguson breached deep into the recesses of the former Soviet Union in order to gain access to archival records in the basement of the Kremlin. In these archives, Ferguson came upon the photo depicted below. Grandpa Uno has been highlighted in the image for your benefit.

What is revealed is the 1960 class of Cosmonauts from the USSR. These were the elite pilots and scientists (some shown with family) of the time in the Soviet Union. In 1961, John F. Kennedy announced to the United States that by the end of the decade, America would land the first man on the moon. This, obviously, frustrated the slow-moving Soviet squad of cosmonauts, who began feverishly working toward achieving the goal first.

Few know this, and we did not until very recently, but in 1969, only days before Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong, and some other guy launched the Apollo 11 en route to the moon, Grandpa Uno, Dmitri Zaikin (2nd from left, front row), and Anatolly Kartashov (the hispanic-looking fellow to the far right in the back row) set flight with the same objective.

Uno's vessel, under the name of the Snegirov, inched closer and closer to the moon, with Apollo 11 shortly behind. At times, pilot Kartashov took breaks, as the Soviet spaceship was not designed with autopilot (as opposed to the Apollo vessels, the Soviets utilized a unique rowing-style method of propulsion, kind of like that famous scene in "Ben Hur"). This caused the Apollo crew to gain ground on the Soviets, and Uno would need to captain the crew into spurts of remarkable speed.

Sure enough, though the mission was entirely top-secret, and still undisclosed publicly, Snegirov reached the moon first. Aldrin, Armstrong and the other guy turned tail back to earth and filmed (in association with MTV Productions) the faked version with an American flag, rather than the soviet hammer and sickle.

We thank Ferguson for having found this photograph, and recognize his great sacrifice. He spent three months being tortured by Russian authorities before he gave his source.

RIP Ferguson.

UNSUBSTANTIATED RUMOR: Uno Co-Authors with Simpson, 2008

Until his 2008 death, Grandpa Uno was the owner of the esteemed painting by Arnold Friberg, "OJ Breaks for Daylight" which was commissioned by Chevrolet for the University of Southern California in 1968.

While the ownership of the painting is not in question, nor being denied by this chronicling of Grandpa Uno's famed life and lifestyle, we would like to clarify that we are not sure of the reasoning behind his purchase of the painting in May of 1997, only months after the death of Nicole Simpson, OJ's wife.

The trial was monumental, and those who were alive for it remember it fondly. Johnny Cochran's "If the glove don't fit..."

After OJ was acquitted, he lost a civil trial brought forth by Nicole's family, and was left nearly broke. His troubled life, which was made more difficult by a failing acting career led him to attempt re-exposure through the publishing of a book entitled "If I Did It: Confessions of the Killer".

Many have speculated that Grandpa Uno was not only a co-author, but in fact a ghost writer, to this instant best-seller (on some obscurely developed bookselling lists).

THIS RUMOR IS NOT SUBSTANTIATED BY ANY REAL EVIDENCE. PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT WHATEVER YOU HEAR IS PURE RUMOR.

But, as the royalties of the book go to Uno's family, we urge you to buy a copy HERE.

Eurasia, 1972

This is not to say that Grandpa Uno found the Holy Grail during his recent visit to Mesopotamia. However, it is rumored that when Grandpa returned to Chicago with a frail golden chalice, from which he regularly drank his favorite Island Bliss Margaritas, he demonstrated a youthful exuberance that his friends and colleagues had not seen in many, many years, if at all.

Grandpa and the Sea, 1949

It was the 85th day of his fishing expedition. Somewhere south of the tip of Florida, a determined Grandpa baited his hooks and set the lines into the water. Though the boy - who would grow up to father Ferguson (G0d rest his soul), one of Grandpa's favorites - had been helping him for weeks, Grandpa was determined to set his final sail alone. (Grandpa always liked taking young boys, particularly Gusterford, Ferguson's father, fishing with him; and even brought them to his oceanside shack to talk baseball.)

Come the 84th day, he had not caught a single fish. Today would be different, he proclaimed.

He felt a tugging, hard and fast to the side of his boat. A marlin - must have been several hundred pounds began circling the boat, caught on the line.

Ernest Hemingway, a close friend of Grandpa from his younger days, when the two would spend summers in New York City watching Joe DiMaggio and the Yankees, attempted to tell the tale in a more appreciable manner in his ficitonalized telling of the Grandpa story: Old Man and the Sea. However, there are some small differences.

Hemingway: the giant fish is to bring great amounts of money and feed all sorts of people, so the old man spears it with a harpoon and drags it along for days until he reaches home.

Grandpa: the giant fish, out of love, generosity and respect for Grandpa Uno pulled Grandpa's boat northwest for days, leading him home. The two would share the burden of pushing the boat along - the marlin when Grandpa was asleep, and Grandpa when the marlin grew tired.

Hemingway: the fish was eaten little by little by sharks the entire trek home, and when the old man returned, it was nothing more than a skeleton, driving him to sadness.

Grandpa: the fish made it to shore and upon reaching, sacrificed itself for a summer special at the Miami Pizzeria Uno.

Scrutinized for having fictionalized an otherwise compelling tale of bestial friendship and camaraderie, Hemingway is known to have stated: "No good book has ever been written that has in it symbols arrived at beforehand and stuck in...I tried to make a real old man, a real boy, a real sea, and a real fish and real sharks. If I made them real enough, they would mean many things." Most view this as poppycock, given that the story was so clearly unreal.

RIP Ferguson

Providence Steam Rollers, 1920s

Grandpa Uno has always been a man of high regard. As a boy, young Grandpa was captain of his soccer team and a leader within his Boy Scout troop (Troop 3 Rules). As an adult, he served as a government representative at various levels and was a trustee in many not-for-profit organizations. However, what is relatively unknown is Grandpa Uno's exploits as a flanker on the Providence Steam Rollers rugby team. Grandpa was famous for his tackle-ball game, where he gained his reputation as a master of the ruck (he would later bear a son with a woman of the same last name, though bastardize the child, whose name was Alan). He coined the phrase which refers to the action as 'passing through the gate' and trained all who played with him in his techniques.

Soon, the team was so powerful in their rucking that unionized rugby became too fearful of the prowess of Uno's team, the Steam Rollers - who boasted a scrum of similar strength and reliability ("we flatten 'em!" Grandpa once shouted at a press conference). Unions began to ban play against the Providence team, and ultimately funds dried up. While Grandpa Uno was wealthy enough to fund the team on his own, after his Vermont Cheddar Cheese Co. had taken flight, and other financial projects had been vastly successful, he felt it a good sign to move on, joining the NFL as a football team in 1925. The team has some reputation, though only finished first once, with a record of 8-1-2 in 1928. What they are famous for is having hosted - at the Cyclodome in Providence, the first night football game in history (a 16-0 loss to the Chicago Cardinals on November 6, 1929).

To commemorate the team that once was of greatness, Uno had a photograph taken at the beginning of the 1925 season, the last season in which all of the original rugby Steam Rollers were still on the squad. This photograph hangs in the Providence, RI location of Pizzeria Uno.

Ferguson's Science Fair: 1994

Ferguson was a good kid. Smart kid, really. While he was often belittled, mocked, the butt of many childhood jokes, Ferguson pushed himself to the limits of elementary academia. In second grade, Ferguson won his CYO Spelling Bee, placing third at regionals. As a fourth grader, he traveled to Paris to compete in a math competition (he placed ninth of forty finalists).

Despite his many great scholastic accomplishments, nothing stands comparable to the project that Grandpa Uno assisted with in 1994. It was a science fair: sixth grade. While Ferguson longed to develop a safer method of harnessing nuclear energy, Grandpa Uno thrusted him into the spotlight by concocting a delicious new pesto sauce for his famous four-cheese deep dish pizza at Uno's.

The judges were not impressed, thinking that Ferguson should have entered into a cooking competition rather than a science fair. He was disqualified.

(Secretly, Ferguson had double-entered the competition, submitting his designs for a new nuclear reactor under a different name, which placed first in the fair.)

Grandpa Uno designed a makeshift plaque for Ferguson, which read: "First Place - Grandpa Uno's Pesto Recipe Contest, 1994." We all pretended to be proud of him. There was a picture of Grandpa Uno on it, molded in bronze. Ferguson's name was spelled incorrectly. The plaque collected dust until it was found two years ago in an attic where he was stashing a number of relics of his time with Grandpa Uno.



R.I.P. Ferguson.

Ferguson's nuclear vessel:

Grandpa Uno's Vermont Cheddar Cheese

In 1939, Grandpa Uno - in one of his many business ventures - opened Grandpa Uno's Vermont Cheddar Cheese Company in Marshfield, Vermont. The company grew rapidly, and in 1942, Grandpa Uno's became the sole provider of cheddar cheeses to the United States Armed forces for the remainder of World War II.

During the War of 1812, Uncle Sam's was the sole provider of pork products to the Army, and US was labeled on ever crate shipped to the soldiers. Quickly, the patriotic correllation between US and Uncle Sam's led to Uncle Sam being a symbol of pride and unity. Similarly, in 1942, Grandpa Uno's was to be marked on each crate shipped overseas (over 2,000 pounds shipped weekly) by "G.U." symbolizing "Grandpa Uno's." Unfortunately, a clerical error early in the process led to "G.I." Apparently, on the typewriter upon which the documents were drawn up, the I and U were too close together.

One thing led to another, and G.I. was misinterpreted to meaning "General Issue." Grandpa Uno was non-chalant about it, as the delivery of his high-quality cheese was the priority. However, to this day, G.I. is marked on every shipment sent to the United States Armed Forces; and few know that it was supposed to be Grandpa Uno's.

Grandpa Uno's is slated to receive nearly $3 million in royalties for the upcoming G.I. Joe film.

Venus de Milo

Little know this, and it has only recently come to my attention, but the Venus de Milo had arms until 1953, when Grandpa Uno opened the Bowie, MD Pizzeria Uno location. As part of the opening, Grandpa arranged for the famous statue to be holding a large deep dish pizza. The pizza was his finest creation yet, and when he rested it into Venus de Milo's hands, the arms ripped off at the shoulders under its massive weight.

After the arms were "detached" from the Venus de Milo, Grandpa sent the statue back to The Louvre, where it is now on display.

Campground in Wakefield: 1991

When I was a boy, Grandpa Uno and I were playing catch along side his flower garden at the campground he had a site at. I threw the ball so hard that it went right by him and rolled along the gravel and into the women's room of the public latrine building.


Grandpa was never one to turn down opportunity and sent me, a boy of seven, into the unknown place. It was dark, rank, and a 68 year old chain smoker named Gloria Gifford was stepping out of the shower. She taught me things I never wanted to know.


In sixth grade, Mr. Audet, my science teacher, tried to teach us about sex. I was the only one who raised my hand.


Thanks Grandpa Uno.

Granpa Uno - Film: 2007

Mandy Kelly brought up a recollection. She suggested that a movie should be made of Grandpa Uno's life. In fact, there already has been. Universal Studios and Dreamworks came together to produce the life story of Grandpa Uno in 2003. The film was directed by Martin Scorcese, George Lucas and Stephen Speilberg, took nearly four years to produce and cost the studios a combined $5billion.

The role of young Grandpa Uno was played by Haley Joel Osment, young adult by James Vanderbeek, middle aged by Tom Cruise. The old Grandpa Uno was played by a number of actors: Richard Gere, Anthony Hopkins, Jack Lemmon and Paul Newman. In one very obscure though seemingly artistic scene, a 50-year old Uno was performed by Ving Rhames.

While anticipated to be a huge success, the film was completed in 2007 at a length of 622 hours, 14 minutes. Test audiences claimed the length to be far too long, despite having been edited from 734 hours, 44 minutes; and the film was canned.

Audiences also claimed that the role of Grandpa Uno was not adequately filled, and the studios agreed, filing paperwork for the exhumation of Grandpa Uno's remains, which are expected to be reanimated for the second attempt at the film. The voice of the reanimated Grandpa Uno will be provided by ventriloquist/comedian Jeff Dunham. The film is expected to resume filming in 2011.

Grandpa's First Pet: 1903

As a boy, Grandpa Uno's first pet (pictured below) was the talk of his Costa Rican town of Guapiles. No one had seen anything like it. Though nobody could determine if it was male or female, based on its erratic genitalia, he called it a "she" and no one could have been the wiser. Her name was Betsy. The creature grew at an exponentially rapid rate, as Grandpa fed it the entrails of recently slaughtered sheep - whatever parts were not to be used by the local meatpacking plants - and daily portions of Uno's Burger Sliders.

In 1912, the creature was too large to be harbored in Costa Rica, and authorities forced Grandpa Uno to relocate her to Scotland, where he had little choice but to abandon her in a lake - or "loch" - where the locals began to call her "Nessie."

Wales: 1943

During World War II, Grandpa Uno led a large battalion overhill in a grassy town in Wales. Atop the hill, they fought, and were winning. Then General Grandpa Uno marched them back down and the battle began to turn.

The battle continued for days, up the hill and down the hill. When they were up, they were up. And when they were down, they were down. At one point, they were only halfway up the hill and Grandpa Uno's men were neither up nor down.

In the end, Grandpa Uno brought both sides together over Island Bliss Margeritas and Tuscany Bread, which would later be added to the menu at Pizzeria Uno. They came to terms and decided to credit the battle to a fictional character known only as "The Grand Old Duke of York."

We all know the truth.

Prohibition: 1923

During the Prohibition, Grandpa Uno owned and operated his own distillery. While most at the time were brewing via bathtubs in basements, Grandpa Uno formulated his beer concoctions in three different monasteries located in the suburbs of Cincinnati.

Though the friars were, themselves, wholly sober and did not stand for the consumption, manufacturing or distribution of alcohol, they recognized the separation of church and state and allowed Grandpa Uno the ability to rent small spaces on their holy grounds for his budding enterprise.

Sponsored by Pizzeria Uno's Cincinnati locations, Grandpa Uno was able to fund the economically struggling monasteries, managing their basic operations, which included the harvesting and cultivation of wheat and barley for his secret formulae.

At the end of the prohibition, the recipes were purchased by larger distillery corporations and named "Pabst", "Blue Moon" and "Coors" - named after the monestaries at which they were designed: St. Pabst, Our Lady of the Blue Moon, and Monsignor Coors' Monastery for the Socially Awkward.

Each of Grandpa Uno's beers can now be found at any Pizzeria Uno location!

Krapp's Last Tape: 1995

I remember the time me, Jeff, Grandpa Uno, and a homeless guy named Bill Palansky improvised our own version of Krapp's Last Tape. God, Grandpa Uno shouted at the top of his lungs - stifling the passers-by of Kennedy Plaza: "May the excrement fly!!" It was a gut-wrenching performance, and perhaps the deciding factor in why Jeff became an actor.

Carnival in Narragansett: 1989

I remember the time Grandpa Uno took us to the carnival down in Narragansett. Gandpa brought fourteen Uno pizzas and told all the little kids that wanted to to eat them that they were opped with asbestos. We ate like kings. Then he balloon-sword-fought Binkie the Clown for nearly three hours (Binkie had some pizza too) and won. Now Binkie attends each of our birthday parties free of charge.

Gumbo Cook-Off: 2002

In 2002, Grandpa Uno participated in the 72nd Annual Funk, Mississippi Gumbo Cook-Off. His gumbo recipe, judged by Chef Vincent Crispo – a local hero, renowned for his innovative style of Southern cuisine – placed second to last. However, Grandpa Uno was far from dissatisfied, as his booth was always swarmed with Funkians seeking his uniquely-flavored recipe. The gumbo, called Spinoccoli Gumbolicious, tasted much like its similarly-named Pizzeria Uno deep dish counterpart.

The only chef who scored lower than Grandpa Uno was a man named Johnny Bojangles, whose recipe reminded Chef Crispo ‘of Hiroshima – or [his] mother’s bratwurst.’