An Attempt at Archaeology, 1960-2008

After the recent finding about Grandpa Uno's astronomical feats during the 1960s, the staff has decided to probe even deeper into this period of Grandpa's life.

Shortly after his admission into the space program in the USSR, Grandpa spent a few years scouring the globe for archaeological finds. He was such fanatic for history, for the roots of human civilization. Grandpa had seen some of the greatest moments in history, and he believed that what he couldn't witness first-hand, he wanted to be a part of however he could.

While traveling in Central and South America, a determined Grandpa uncovered a previously unknown early Mayan civilization, dated as far back as 2200B.C. Through the discovery of the city buried well beneath the surface of Colombian soils, Grandpa was able to determine that not only were the earliest Mesoamericans wonderfully spiritual and pioneers of astronomy, even that they were remarkable architects, these earliest Mayans were also a fantastic culinary civilization.

Basic understanding of what sorts of foods may have been prepared during early civilizations is inferred through textual documentation, and occasionally through the examination of pottery and cooking tools. But from the details that Grandpa was able to manipulate, he learned how to make a tomato sauce that is both chunky and smooth at the same time, mastering his love of deep dish pizza (later to be used in his famous Uno's restaurants).

After the famed discovery, critics thought Grandpa would either retire from his archaeological hobbies. He had the money, he had the notoriety, and he had a space program to get back to in the USSR. He took some time off, and between 1973 and 2008, Grandpa discovered three of the missing links in human evolution, including the most recent "Ida" fossil, which projects humans as possible descendants of lemur-like creatures. It makes sense.

Snowmageddon, 2010

I know that it's hard to believe, but over the past week, the city of Baltimore has gotten approximately five feet of snow! In light of this, we the staff of A Man Named Uno have spent a great deal of time researching Grandpa Uno's past for stories, even legends related to Grandpa Uno's experience with vast amounts of snow, blizzards, etc.

Surprisingly we found nothing.

Despite the fact that Grandpa Uno - then Lt. Uno - was one of the five members of Captain Scott's 1912 expedition to the South Pole (three - as it was then believed - remaining members were found huddled together in a tent, frozen for eight months before uncovered by a search party. It is believed they were on their way to home base from the Pole. The other two members were never found. Truth? Grandpa Uno and a sherpa named Rico actually made it to the Pole, on foot, well after the horses had died of extreme weather conditions. Capt. Scott believed in the English "tradition" of "toughing it out" and deprecated the Norwegian use of dogsleds to get to the Pole. Uno returned safely, and his trip inspired a large number of seafood items to be later used on Pizzeria Uno's menu.), we found nothing.

Despite the fact that Grandpa Uno was the man who, in the early 1970s, developed mogul skiing as a legitimized competitive sport (the word "mogul" likely coming from his time in Germany, where the Viennese dialect for "small hill" is mogl. Grandpa spent a great deal of time in Germany and other parts of Europe after WWII pushing the expansion of GU's Vermont Cheddar Cheese, which already had a strong presence on the continent. Uno liked the idea of freestyle skiing without the need for ramps, jumps, etc., and pushed for grooves, or troughs, to be dug into the snow at regular intervals on the downhill, so that skiers would use the up and down motions as well as increased trajectory of decline and rapid knee movement to perform small but difficult tricks. Grandpa ideated mogul skiing and pushed for its legitimacy for the sake of the advertising options. With the growth of a new sport, Grandpa knew that he could essentially put his logos on anything he wanted...and he did. Later, the sport would become somewhat obscure and draw less financial benefits for Uno, and he would depart from advertising.) we could not find anything.

Despite the fact that Grandpa Uno won thirteen consecutive ice fishing competitions in Alaska during the mid-80s, we could not find anything.

So, with humble remorse, the staff of A Man Named Uno would like to apologize for our inability to bring you a historical happening which ties Grandpa Uno to winter, snow, or anything else of the sort. Should anything of this nature come to your attention, please do alert us here, so that we may continue to look into the matter.

Our humblest of apologies,

The Staff

UNSUBSTANTIATED RUMOR: Uno Co-Authors with Simpson, 2008

Until his 2008 death, Grandpa Uno was the owner of the esteemed painting by Arnold Friberg, "OJ Breaks for Daylight" which was commissioned by Chevrolet for the University of Southern California in 1968.

While the ownership of the painting is not in question, nor being denied by this chronicling of Grandpa Uno's famed life and lifestyle, we would like to clarify that we are not sure of the reasoning behind his purchase of the painting in May of 1997, only months after the death of Nicole Simpson, OJ's wife.

The trial was monumental, and those who were alive for it remember it fondly. Johnny Cochran's "If the glove don't fit..."

After OJ was acquitted, he lost a civil trial brought forth by Nicole's family, and was left nearly broke. His troubled life, which was made more difficult by a failing acting career led him to attempt re-exposure through the publishing of a book entitled "If I Did It: Confessions of the Killer".

Many have speculated that Grandpa Uno was not only a co-author, but in fact a ghost writer, to this instant best-seller (on some obscurely developed bookselling lists).

THIS RUMOR IS NOT SUBSTANTIATED BY ANY REAL EVIDENCE. PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT WHATEVER YOU HEAR IS PURE RUMOR.

But, as the royalties of the book go to Uno's family, we urge you to buy a copy HERE.

Grandpa Uno's Vermont Cheddar Cheese

In 1939, Grandpa Uno - in one of his many business ventures - opened Grandpa Uno's Vermont Cheddar Cheese Company in Marshfield, Vermont. The company grew rapidly, and in 1942, Grandpa Uno's became the sole provider of cheddar cheeses to the United States Armed forces for the remainder of World War II.

During the War of 1812, Uncle Sam's was the sole provider of pork products to the Army, and US was labeled on ever crate shipped to the soldiers. Quickly, the patriotic correllation between US and Uncle Sam's led to Uncle Sam being a symbol of pride and unity. Similarly, in 1942, Grandpa Uno's was to be marked on each crate shipped overseas (over 2,000 pounds shipped weekly) by "G.U." symbolizing "Grandpa Uno's." Unfortunately, a clerical error early in the process led to "G.I." Apparently, on the typewriter upon which the documents were drawn up, the I and U were too close together.

One thing led to another, and G.I. was misinterpreted to meaning "General Issue." Grandpa Uno was non-chalant about it, as the delivery of his high-quality cheese was the priority. However, to this day, G.I. is marked on every shipment sent to the United States Armed Forces; and few know that it was supposed to be Grandpa Uno's.

Grandpa Uno's is slated to receive nearly $3 million in royalties for the upcoming G.I. Joe film.

Granpa Uno - Film: 2007

Mandy Kelly brought up a recollection. She suggested that a movie should be made of Grandpa Uno's life. In fact, there already has been. Universal Studios and Dreamworks came together to produce the life story of Grandpa Uno in 2003. The film was directed by Martin Scorcese, George Lucas and Stephen Speilberg, took nearly four years to produce and cost the studios a combined $5billion.

The role of young Grandpa Uno was played by Haley Joel Osment, young adult by James Vanderbeek, middle aged by Tom Cruise. The old Grandpa Uno was played by a number of actors: Richard Gere, Anthony Hopkins, Jack Lemmon and Paul Newman. In one very obscure though seemingly artistic scene, a 50-year old Uno was performed by Ving Rhames.

While anticipated to be a huge success, the film was completed in 2007 at a length of 622 hours, 14 minutes. Test audiences claimed the length to be far too long, despite having been edited from 734 hours, 44 minutes; and the film was canned.

Audiences also claimed that the role of Grandpa Uno was not adequately filled, and the studios agreed, filing paperwork for the exhumation of Grandpa Uno's remains, which are expected to be reanimated for the second attempt at the film. The voice of the reanimated Grandpa Uno will be provided by ventriloquist/comedian Jeff Dunham. The film is expected to resume filming in 2011.

Gumbo Cook-Off: 2002

In 2002, Grandpa Uno participated in the 72nd Annual Funk, Mississippi Gumbo Cook-Off. His gumbo recipe, judged by Chef Vincent Crispo – a local hero, renowned for his innovative style of Southern cuisine – placed second to last. However, Grandpa Uno was far from dissatisfied, as his booth was always swarmed with Funkians seeking his uniquely-flavored recipe. The gumbo, called Spinoccoli Gumbolicious, tasted much like its similarly-named Pizzeria Uno deep dish counterpart.

The only chef who scored lower than Grandpa Uno was a man named Johnny Bojangles, whose recipe reminded Chef Crispo ‘of Hiroshima – or [his] mother’s bratwurst.’