Providence Steam Rollers, 1920s

Grandpa Uno has always been a man of high regard. As a boy, young Grandpa was captain of his soccer team and a leader within his Boy Scout troop (Troop 3 Rules). As an adult, he served as a government representative at various levels and was a trustee in many not-for-profit organizations. However, what is relatively unknown is Grandpa Uno's exploits as a flanker on the Providence Steam Rollers rugby team. Grandpa was famous for his tackle-ball game, where he gained his reputation as a master of the ruck (he would later bear a son with a woman of the same last name, though bastardize the child, whose name was Alan). He coined the phrase which refers to the action as 'passing through the gate' and trained all who played with him in his techniques.

Soon, the team was so powerful in their rucking that unionized rugby became too fearful of the prowess of Uno's team, the Steam Rollers - who boasted a scrum of similar strength and reliability ("we flatten 'em!" Grandpa once shouted at a press conference). Unions began to ban play against the Providence team, and ultimately funds dried up. While Grandpa Uno was wealthy enough to fund the team on his own, after his Vermont Cheddar Cheese Co. had taken flight, and other financial projects had been vastly successful, he felt it a good sign to move on, joining the NFL as a football team in 1925. The team has some reputation, though only finished first once, with a record of 8-1-2 in 1928. What they are famous for is having hosted - at the Cyclodome in Providence, the first night football game in history (a 16-0 loss to the Chicago Cardinals on November 6, 1929).

To commemorate the team that once was of greatness, Uno had a photograph taken at the beginning of the 1925 season, the last season in which all of the original rugby Steam Rollers were still on the squad. This photograph hangs in the Providence, RI location of Pizzeria Uno.

Ferguson's Science Fair: 1994

Ferguson was a good kid. Smart kid, really. While he was often belittled, mocked, the butt of many childhood jokes, Ferguson pushed himself to the limits of elementary academia. In second grade, Ferguson won his CYO Spelling Bee, placing third at regionals. As a fourth grader, he traveled to Paris to compete in a math competition (he placed ninth of forty finalists).

Despite his many great scholastic accomplishments, nothing stands comparable to the project that Grandpa Uno assisted with in 1994. It was a science fair: sixth grade. While Ferguson longed to develop a safer method of harnessing nuclear energy, Grandpa Uno thrusted him into the spotlight by concocting a delicious new pesto sauce for his famous four-cheese deep dish pizza at Uno's.

The judges were not impressed, thinking that Ferguson should have entered into a cooking competition rather than a science fair. He was disqualified.

(Secretly, Ferguson had double-entered the competition, submitting his designs for a new nuclear reactor under a different name, which placed first in the fair.)

Grandpa Uno designed a makeshift plaque for Ferguson, which read: "First Place - Grandpa Uno's Pesto Recipe Contest, 1994." We all pretended to be proud of him. There was a picture of Grandpa Uno on it, molded in bronze. Ferguson's name was spelled incorrectly. The plaque collected dust until it was found two years ago in an attic where he was stashing a number of relics of his time with Grandpa Uno.



R.I.P. Ferguson.

Ferguson's nuclear vessel:

Grandpa Uno's Vermont Cheddar Cheese

In 1939, Grandpa Uno - in one of his many business ventures - opened Grandpa Uno's Vermont Cheddar Cheese Company in Marshfield, Vermont. The company grew rapidly, and in 1942, Grandpa Uno's became the sole provider of cheddar cheeses to the United States Armed forces for the remainder of World War II.

During the War of 1812, Uncle Sam's was the sole provider of pork products to the Army, and US was labeled on ever crate shipped to the soldiers. Quickly, the patriotic correllation between US and Uncle Sam's led to Uncle Sam being a symbol of pride and unity. Similarly, in 1942, Grandpa Uno's was to be marked on each crate shipped overseas (over 2,000 pounds shipped weekly) by "G.U." symbolizing "Grandpa Uno's." Unfortunately, a clerical error early in the process led to "G.I." Apparently, on the typewriter upon which the documents were drawn up, the I and U were too close together.

One thing led to another, and G.I. was misinterpreted to meaning "General Issue." Grandpa Uno was non-chalant about it, as the delivery of his high-quality cheese was the priority. However, to this day, G.I. is marked on every shipment sent to the United States Armed Forces; and few know that it was supposed to be Grandpa Uno's.

Grandpa Uno's is slated to receive nearly $3 million in royalties for the upcoming G.I. Joe film.

Venus de Milo

Little know this, and it has only recently come to my attention, but the Venus de Milo had arms until 1953, when Grandpa Uno opened the Bowie, MD Pizzeria Uno location. As part of the opening, Grandpa arranged for the famous statue to be holding a large deep dish pizza. The pizza was his finest creation yet, and when he rested it into Venus de Milo's hands, the arms ripped off at the shoulders under its massive weight.

After the arms were "detached" from the Venus de Milo, Grandpa sent the statue back to The Louvre, where it is now on display.

Campground in Wakefield: 1991

When I was a boy, Grandpa Uno and I were playing catch along side his flower garden at the campground he had a site at. I threw the ball so hard that it went right by him and rolled along the gravel and into the women's room of the public latrine building.


Grandpa was never one to turn down opportunity and sent me, a boy of seven, into the unknown place. It was dark, rank, and a 68 year old chain smoker named Gloria Gifford was stepping out of the shower. She taught me things I never wanted to know.


In sixth grade, Mr. Audet, my science teacher, tried to teach us about sex. I was the only one who raised my hand.


Thanks Grandpa Uno.

Granpa Uno - Film: 2007

Mandy Kelly brought up a recollection. She suggested that a movie should be made of Grandpa Uno's life. In fact, there already has been. Universal Studios and Dreamworks came together to produce the life story of Grandpa Uno in 2003. The film was directed by Martin Scorcese, George Lucas and Stephen Speilberg, took nearly four years to produce and cost the studios a combined $5billion.

The role of young Grandpa Uno was played by Haley Joel Osment, young adult by James Vanderbeek, middle aged by Tom Cruise. The old Grandpa Uno was played by a number of actors: Richard Gere, Anthony Hopkins, Jack Lemmon and Paul Newman. In one very obscure though seemingly artistic scene, a 50-year old Uno was performed by Ving Rhames.

While anticipated to be a huge success, the film was completed in 2007 at a length of 622 hours, 14 minutes. Test audiences claimed the length to be far too long, despite having been edited from 734 hours, 44 minutes; and the film was canned.

Audiences also claimed that the role of Grandpa Uno was not adequately filled, and the studios agreed, filing paperwork for the exhumation of Grandpa Uno's remains, which are expected to be reanimated for the second attempt at the film. The voice of the reanimated Grandpa Uno will be provided by ventriloquist/comedian Jeff Dunham. The film is expected to resume filming in 2011.

Grandpa's First Pet: 1903

As a boy, Grandpa Uno's first pet (pictured below) was the talk of his Costa Rican town of Guapiles. No one had seen anything like it. Though nobody could determine if it was male or female, based on its erratic genitalia, he called it a "she" and no one could have been the wiser. Her name was Betsy. The creature grew at an exponentially rapid rate, as Grandpa fed it the entrails of recently slaughtered sheep - whatever parts were not to be used by the local meatpacking plants - and daily portions of Uno's Burger Sliders.

In 1912, the creature was too large to be harbored in Costa Rica, and authorities forced Grandpa Uno to relocate her to Scotland, where he had little choice but to abandon her in a lake - or "loch" - where the locals began to call her "Nessie."

Wales: 1943

During World War II, Grandpa Uno led a large battalion overhill in a grassy town in Wales. Atop the hill, they fought, and were winning. Then General Grandpa Uno marched them back down and the battle began to turn.

The battle continued for days, up the hill and down the hill. When they were up, they were up. And when they were down, they were down. At one point, they were only halfway up the hill and Grandpa Uno's men were neither up nor down.

In the end, Grandpa Uno brought both sides together over Island Bliss Margeritas and Tuscany Bread, which would later be added to the menu at Pizzeria Uno. They came to terms and decided to credit the battle to a fictional character known only as "The Grand Old Duke of York."

We all know the truth.

Prohibition: 1923

During the Prohibition, Grandpa Uno owned and operated his own distillery. While most at the time were brewing via bathtubs in basements, Grandpa Uno formulated his beer concoctions in three different monasteries located in the suburbs of Cincinnati.

Though the friars were, themselves, wholly sober and did not stand for the consumption, manufacturing or distribution of alcohol, they recognized the separation of church and state and allowed Grandpa Uno the ability to rent small spaces on their holy grounds for his budding enterprise.

Sponsored by Pizzeria Uno's Cincinnati locations, Grandpa Uno was able to fund the economically struggling monasteries, managing their basic operations, which included the harvesting and cultivation of wheat and barley for his secret formulae.

At the end of the prohibition, the recipes were purchased by larger distillery corporations and named "Pabst", "Blue Moon" and "Coors" - named after the monestaries at which they were designed: St. Pabst, Our Lady of the Blue Moon, and Monsignor Coors' Monastery for the Socially Awkward.

Each of Grandpa Uno's beers can now be found at any Pizzeria Uno location!

Krapp's Last Tape: 1995

I remember the time me, Jeff, Grandpa Uno, and a homeless guy named Bill Palansky improvised our own version of Krapp's Last Tape. God, Grandpa Uno shouted at the top of his lungs - stifling the passers-by of Kennedy Plaza: "May the excrement fly!!" It was a gut-wrenching performance, and perhaps the deciding factor in why Jeff became an actor.

Carnival in Narragansett: 1989

I remember the time Grandpa Uno took us to the carnival down in Narragansett. Gandpa brought fourteen Uno pizzas and told all the little kids that wanted to to eat them that they were opped with asbestos. We ate like kings. Then he balloon-sword-fought Binkie the Clown for nearly three hours (Binkie had some pizza too) and won. Now Binkie attends each of our birthday parties free of charge.

Gumbo Cook-Off: 2002

In 2002, Grandpa Uno participated in the 72nd Annual Funk, Mississippi Gumbo Cook-Off. His gumbo recipe, judged by Chef Vincent Crispo – a local hero, renowned for his innovative style of Southern cuisine – placed second to last. However, Grandpa Uno was far from dissatisfied, as his booth was always swarmed with Funkians seeking his uniquely-flavored recipe. The gumbo, called Spinoccoli Gumbolicious, tasted much like its similarly-named Pizzeria Uno deep dish counterpart.

The only chef who scored lower than Grandpa Uno was a man named Johnny Bojangles, whose recipe reminded Chef Crispo ‘of Hiroshima – or [his] mother’s bratwurst.’

The Great Grandpa Uno Mishap - Argentina: 1993

It was a mysterious event surrounding Grandpa Uno going to the Pampa Plain and upsetting that enormous herd of bovine and then mistaking the Aurora Australius for something quite different. While slightly acid tripping at the time, he punched a thirteen year old boy that had stepped on his shoelace earlier that day, and upon the sighting of the Aurora Austrialus, he confused it for the agoraphobia he had been cured of as a child. Standing distraught in the middle of the Pampa Plain, he manically sought out immediate shelter. The nearest place was Pizzeria Uno on State Road in Orlando. He ran the whole way, stopping only twice, for liquor and the loving embrace of an unknown woman.

Weeks later the unknown woman showed up at his doorstep claiming that after that last piece of pie they had shared together, she had fallen madly in love with him and had been trying to track him down ever since. The pie was lemon meringue thin crust pizza (something he had once proposed to Pizzeria Uno, though field-testing demonstrated it to be "too good for [their] clientele"). Grandpa Uno paid homage to the woman, though not willing to sacrifice his livelihood and future for her, by naming a small town which he founded in Western Pennsylvania "Meringue, PA." There he produced community theatre productions, including three works of Beckett and a musical version of 101 Dalmations.

Birth of Grandpa Uno: ??

We know not when, exactly, Grandpa Uno was born (Birth name: Grandpa Andonicus Uno). All that we know is that he was a major factor in the outcome of the Mexican-American War.